Grudges

A grudge is a lingering feeling of resentment or bitterness toward another person after an injury, real or perceived. It typically involves a wish to withhold forgiveness, avoid the other person, or retaliate in some way. Grudges are sustained through ongoing negative memories, rumination, and selective interpretation of later events, and they often endure long after the initial incident.

Grudges arise when harmed individuals perceive a breach of trust, a violation of moral or personal values, or an injustice that seems unresolved. They can be reinforced by patterns of thinking that blame the other person, justify harsh judgments, or emphasize personal vulnerability. Social dynamics, such as shared narratives, retaliation norms, or fear of vulnerability, can also help maintain a grudge. Grudges can be personal or collective, affecting families, friendships, workplaces, and communities.

The hold of a grudge can have wide-ranging consequences. For the individual, it is associated with increased stress, rumination, sleep disturbances, and poorer well-being. For relationships, grudges can create distance, reduce trust, and hinder future cooperation or intimacy. They can also contribute to cycles of retaliation, making conflict harder to resolve and sometimes intensifying harm over time.

Coping with grudges often involves deliberate strategies to reduce harm and restore balance. Forgiveness and reconciliation may be possible in safe contexts, but they are not universal remedies. Other approaches include setting clear personal boundaries, cognitive reframing of the incident, apology or accountability from the other party, and psychological or counseling support. Time, social support, and cultural norms about forgiveness also influence whether and how grudges dissipate.